Call of Duty: moderately predictable warfare 2
by Lord Michael Blackburn
Summary: back by public demand and death threats from treyarch, the 'award'-winning series by the 'award' winning writer is back! this time, captured by activiosn, blackburn is forced to do what no sane man would ever do: play the online of there newest game, but if he is going to deal with that BS, he is taking a buddy of his with him... Rated M for involving CoD, squeakers and all.
1. Chapter 1

Call of duty: moderately predictable warfare 4.1

By: Lord Michael Blackburn

Plot: as he was about to return CODBO-fuck…you know what it is…activison abducted him and made him test out the squeal-I mean, sequel, that was due for release that week. And considering that it was that or they ditch my racist ass in the black part of town after dark during a black rights gayfest (AKA cod LAN party)

So…here goes nothing (really, its COD)

Chapter 1: 2 quarians, 1 enviro-suit; 3 hours of PURE, UNCUT QUARIAN PLEASURE-wait, this isn't the porno I was writing…._shit…._OH WELL. (_fuck and flotilla, out on (DATE REACTED), at mass effect conventions near you!)_

Blackburn was flipping shit; he was doing a pissing contest on to his COD disc before he burned it, but then, these guys in furry costumes stuck a burlap bag over his head; he was never this scared in his life. But, if things were as bad as he expected, they were fudge-packing, liberal, hail Obama, equal rights for women, 8-year old squeaker, bad fanfiction writer, COD is better, Miranda is best romance in ME2, FURRY DOUCHEBAGS.

The furries stopped for a moment, and looked at Blackburn; apparently, he still did his monologue out loud, and one of the furries pulled out a whip and said "that hurts nigga….AND WE LIKE MAKING IT HURT..oh, and mirandaisbestromanceYOLO."

Blackburn looked up with the bag on his head and yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !"

(HOURS LATER….*insert nickelback music and random explosions*)(AKA a Michael bay movie)

Blackburn slowly regained vison; he must have past out.

He began to look around and saw that he was strapped in a chair that was rather copy-and-paste to most movies were someone gets abducted. He wished he had a cigar that allowed him to release his situation to the world.

A voice near the end of the room said "good your awake. We have very little time."

The stupid sparkle child from the ending of mass effect 3 walked up and untied blackburn's hands; he rubbed his wrists, then began to beat the living shit out of the sparkle child.

Much of the internet nodded in approval at that moment.

As he finished killing the little bitch, a man in a suit walked up and said "good…you past the test… you are now property of activison now.

Blackburn gave him a weird look and said "wait…what?"

The man pointed a handgun at his chest and said "to pay for you desicartaing our game, you are going to beta-test COD 76. It's the exact same game as COD 75, but 200 dollars more, and has a dual-dildo as a pre-order knife."

Blackburn shook his head "so…your saying I play the multiplayer beta which is just COD 75's with no changes."

The man nodded as he rolled a TV up and said "you could be a CEO with a attitude like that. You can invite one of your friends over xbox 720 live to join you and your testing off our beta."

The amn left the room as the main screen of COD 76 (which had 75 scratched out) and began to load multiplayer.

Blackburn saw that every weapon was unlocked, and he set up his classes; he wante dit to be a acronum about anyone who was buying COD 76 as he began building his loadout:

**R**ocket spam: javelin and model 1620 cluster rocket musket (description: used by Adolf Lincoln to kill space Muslim Jews.)

**A**nal penetration: PANCOR jackhammer (added after they copied BF3 15 games ago) with beta-mag and dragon's breath, and a quad-welded G-18 set that was akimbo'ed (for a total of 8 G-18s)(plus there drum mags and FMJ rounds that never stopped flying, and just kept going through the map until they killed someone)(lets see….the mags give a total of 200 rounds per G-18…multiply by 69…divide by 8…beat my meat to COD logic…still beating meat…its bleeding…GOT IT! 5000 ROUNDS!)

**P**richard is best captain; sorry kirk: dual phasers and a BARETT .50 INTERVENTION360 SMG

**E**woks are gay assholes: a large fist, some bondage leather, and at least a gallon of cherry-flavored lube.

**A**ssault-ing your asshole: M-16A90000000 with MOAB launcher and triple gold camo (with p-diddy's gold clock hanging on it)

**C**ock-blocker: the aimboterventi0n sniper rifle, and a experimental MIRV from fallout 3; the class was made to steal kills.

**O** I want to be a Oscar-Meyer Weiner… : combustible lemons and a frankfurter for your knife; it has a special 'kinky shit' kill if you 'cum' up from behind, if ya know what I mean *wink wink fuck fuck*

**W**hat the fuck is this? : riot shield with a backup riot shield, and flak jackoff pro, and harden cock pro, as well as the power of pro. Basically indestructible.

As he drank his tequila, he scrolled through his friend's list; apllejack002 was playing 'quarians gone wild'; a ME3 hidden mission for Rannoch, fluttercry was probably on his computer playing WoW and reading his stories, like a good slav-reader, should….

He stopped as he got down about half-way through and saw the name:

_Savi0r of the earth_

He was playing MW3 at the time, and it said: getting ass kicked on: semen interchange, on team derpmatch.

He sent him a invite with the code that unlocked the beta implanted in all COD games to cole, and after about 40 invites, he joined and said "what the fuck do you want, Blackburn!? And, yes, I am not getting battlefield premium…"

I interrupted and said "BF3 premium was 3 games ago for BF; I didn't ask about that...no, do you want to help me play a game of Call of duty 76: modernly douche welfare in warfare of obamacare's beta? It will be a 'fun' experience. And, if you refuse, activison will send furries to your house and abduct you. That's why I am here…where ever that is. Also, I killed the sparkle child from ME3."

Cole coughed for a minute and said "wait..wasn't COD 75 out last week? Whens this coming out!?"

"…_tomorrow…"_

Cole spit out his water and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK!? Oh well, I need to make more youtube videos and be a masochist with the M-16A4..also, thanks for killing the sparkle bitch…too bad ME19 came out last week."

Blackburn shook his head and said "playing as legion controlling bender from futurama was kinda weird, but I hear the critics who played did hang themselves with their own intestines!"

Cole chuckled and said "beast…oh well, send me a invite, Blackburn"

As he recived the invite, micheal said "oh, and because we are basically gods, all guns and perks in the game are unlocked. So make you kits, and tell me when your ready. Lthen, we play some shit-on and destroy, on….anal passage."

Cole perked up and said "isn't that the map based on the CEO's asshole?"

Blackburn glumly said "yes…" as Cole began his kits.

A/N: back by pop. Demand, my parodies are back! This time, I have a friend to accompany me as I go into the unkown, the world of false logic, and bullshit! The world know as cod'S online multiplayer! STAY TUNED, MY FRIENDS.

R&R –L.M.B out.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: sorry about being late again; FF wouldn't let me log in for a few days. Also I have my seasonal allergies again. For most, it's a sniffle, for me, my tonsisles or however you spell them inflate and I cough up blood for about 4 days. Just 2 more days and ill be back to normal until next year.

Also, I thank my friend mikey for writing the rage message in this chapter.

Chapter 2: really, I got a hemmeroriod or however you spell it thinking of COD.

Cole finished humming to some random song and said "ok Blackburn I got my kits; you know, this game could be different than the last 47 CODs, right?"

Michael laughed and said "your in denile, aren't you; this is the core of COD, being gay and coming out every 7 days- 8 months, then having fanboys swarm it and trash every other game on the market, like meddled formula of honor, battlepay-I mean, field—"

Cole interrupted and said "I thought you loved battlefield!"

Blackburn chuckled and said "I love battlefield, but EA is really trying my patence, you know tat right? We now are paying for a pass to play campaign AND multiplayer…also, ads for every other EA game show up all the time on it. I'll stick with good ol' 1942 and Vietnam, killing gook Muslim Nazis. Maybe BF3, but that's really pushing it.

Cole grunted "BACK IN NAM!" upon hearing those famed 'viet' and 'nam' in the same sentence. He also metioned "on the BF3 note, how many fucking kills with the MK3A1 now?"

As Michael selected "search and camp-I mean, destroy" in the game list, he casually said "21034 kills with the MK3A1; I am number 1 in America with it as of now. Now, shut up about good games while we are playing this, I may get depressed."

As he 'linked' with the game (you know, feeling like your there…bear with me.) he looked around and checked his hands to see if they were there; he chose his rocket spam class and waited for cole to spawn as well; when he spawned, he had dual barrett SMG's

He turned back to cole and said "ok, we need to take it—"*_splatter*"_—slow…well..ain't this some shit."

In the time he had to say a sentence, cole was 360 noobtubed with a excessive drop sniper bullet; he heard a kid on game chat squeal "_ZOMG GUYS I GOT FIRST KILL! DADDY, COME IN HERE AND FIST ME WITH A PILE DRIVER!"_

In the background a gruff voice grunted "fuck off you little sack of shit! My condom breaking was the reason your sorry little ass was made..i want to throw you into oak cliff and watch those sambos tear you to shreds…shit, after I killed your mom, good thing I still had liara's number…speaking of which…WHERES THAT BITCH!? I NEED A SANDWICH!"

"_did you call..sheppard?"_

"damn bitch!"

*WHAP*

"_AHH! NO SHEPPARD!"_

*WHAP*

*WHAP*

*WHA-

Blackburn muted that kid faster than he shuddered to think that was commander Sheppard; he wiped the sweat off of his brow as Cole respawned, who was seething with rage now "AWW! WHAT THE FUCK MOTHERFUCKINGCOCKSUCKER! I got shit on by some kid…and, Blackburn..did you mute that guy, or are you just not reacting that that kid's stepmom named liara is being viscously raped and beaten by Sheppard?"

Michael changed the subject and said "this is shitty and destroy; how did you respawn?"

Cole fucked around with his M-16 and said "I dunno, maybe we are gods here or something…who cares, let's go fuck some kids up!"

Michael pulled out his jackhammer and lead Cole over to a corner alleyway; he leaned his head around the door frame in the alley (lolwut?) and saw at least 5 kids stacked on top of each other pointing their guns in different directions, while jacking each other's 3-inch dicks off to Adolf Hitler speeches.

He 360'd off a random stack of shit and headshot 5 squeakers, and they instantly respawned and died to the same shots via COD's amazing connection. Cole backflipped matrix style and quad quick-scoped some people, including a teammate, but it still counted to the airborne semen strike killstreak anyway.

Blackburn grabbed the bomb and flew across the map to knife a sap who just joined the game; as his knife hit home, he read the gamer tag:

_Trixielisous _

Blackburn gulped; he had just killed his buddy mikey, and braced for all hell as mikey yelled "I'M GONNA RAPE YOUR FAMILY WHILE I SHOOT UP A MOIVE THEATER LIKE JAMES HOLMES! YOUR GETTING A MESSAGE MICHAEL!"

A few seconds later, a message appeared in his inbox, and he gingerly opened it as cole countuined spawn camping:

_What is friendship? Ill fucking tell you what is friendship! God damn friendship is magic bitch! Not that pussy houndni shit, I mean criss angel shit it will blow your mind._

_A perfect example is ponies, you don't like ponies bitch? Well then I'll skullfuck you with a sonic rainboom. You ain't got nothing on me, im a motherfucking rhino of friendship. _

_You think ponies are uncool?_

_Can you break physics and do magic? I didn't fucking think so._

_So next time you insult friendship, I'll rip your goddamned head off bro. I got the power of rainbow dash, Fluttershy, pinkie pie, applejack, rarity, and twilight motherfucking sparkle on my side, ill fuck your shit so hard you will bleed from your ass. Because that is what is motherfucking friendship bitch._

_OH, you thought I was done? I am only at the beginning bitch-tits. How about you call me gay? No, that wouldn't work as we are all a little gay for braeburn and his MONSTER COCK, so everyone includes you faggot, and you like burning at his stake like the wicked bitch of the west!_

_So step up and get smacked down, because I have 5 knuckles af friendship coming at your bitch-ass, and while you shine my because of the shit I kicked out of you from kicking your ass so bad, hell, you don't have a asshole anymore, just a GAPING HOLE where I left it. now, lets move on to the elements of motherfucking friendship._

_First up is honesty, honesty is really fucking important because if you tell your client that the coke is good, and its not, he will come find you and shoot your ass, then being a cheeky bastard, piss on your body. Then light the piss on fire and reduce your body to ashes. So next time your wife is sucking your dick and in reality you only have a boner because of the Viagra because your wife's face looks like it was hit with a train, remember that shit bitch._

_Then comes loyalty bitches. What is loyalty? Its going to iran and blowing up motherfucking muslims while a bald eagle is in the background yelled "AMURICA!"_

_Nuff' said._

_Were at third base and we got motherfucking laughter. You know what is really funny? Holocaust jokes. Also 9/11 jokes like, 1 plane in the terminal is 2 in the trade center! Pure comedy gold, if you don't like it, got eat a dick. Its important to be funny or else you're a waste of skin who should go kill himself._

_Show some fucking kindness for once, don't have yourself open a door to have some bitch say "thanks faggot" because if I was you, I would cole train his ass into a woodchipper and not give 2 shits, and just to show it, I would go to a strip club and snort coke off a strippers ass, that's what you are to me! So don't fuck with cole train mikey. Thats why you need to not be a asshole._

_Ever heard of generosity? Probably not you greedy motherfucking cocksucker, I bet you wouldn't even have the decency to give a man a reach-around, well I would! Well, not be all faggoty about it or something, but because I love buttsex! _

_If you don't, I will hunt you down with a hillbilly deliverance slenderman and tentacle rape you._

_These are the elements of motherfucking magic, not the faggot-ass harry potter shit where you call in a dick to cum on your enemys, I mean that magic you load into a full metal jacket and shoot up a theater with in Colorado._

_That's right, I just made a james holmes joke, but I guess it was bad, those people did have KILLER seats! Oh, I did it again! Im rolling these jokes harder than bodies on the floor in that movie!_

_I roll so hard I form a rofl-copter and fuck bitches up, because I'm hardcore._

As Blackburn got the message off his screen, he noticed cole had 300 kills and mikey was laughing like a psycho and said "did you like my message?"

Blackburn muted him as the game ended, 2005-0; he then typed a message back:

"I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

A/N: if anyone was offended by mikeys message, so was the teacher…that was an ESSAY he wrote and turned in. somehow, he only got a detention.

Sorry if there wasn't enough COD in this chapter, I had to make room for mikeys message.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: finally…I hadn't been able to write in weeks due to essays for my senior research paper. With those done, and on the advent I got back in contact with this nice girl I hadn't spoke to in a few years (she looks pretty good, and is a charming as she is smart) and I think (half to get my mind off of other heart breaks, half the fact I sort of think highly of her)

But, aside from my life, HERE is my disgust with COD, summed up in a chapter.

Also, sorry Cole, but your sort of the butt of everything in this chapter, most likely because I disagree with you wanting BO2.

Chapter 3: the _surprise_ (buttsex) trailer

Blackburn and Cole quickly backed out of the lobby; he had more than his fair share of bullshit from that one. Michael spoke up and said "that was…bad. My asshole is bleeding now."

Cole coughed and said "yeah. That shit was bad. But I still like COD#YOLO." Michael wiped the blood off of his ass and said "never do that again. EVER."

Not hearing a response, Michael took a look at some of the other gametypes; he saw 'cum game' near the top, and hesitantly clicked on it. no, he was not even making fun of the name of the game; it really was called CUM GAME.

However, it appeared that this was actally still gun game, a totally original gametype they totally didn't take from valve who made one of the first online shooters around. But, no…COD created something 'orignal' all by itself (WHAT? CROSSBOW IN BF3!? U RIPP OF COD U PHAG)(even though the crossbow was in BF2, and if you say we ripped you off, then you ripped off everyone in the middle ages, as THEY used crossbows. Fuck you, CODkid timmy.)

The game paused as it started and said "have you played a competition game to COD? And if not, what was your rank in the last COD game?" Blackburn shrugged and chose 'anal sex' as his answer while he asked Cole "is the game questioning you to having played better games?"

Cole responded "yeah, but even though I have been offered better games, or had them suggested by you, I completely ignore your suggestions and never get into your parties, possibly due to your mad skills, my painful headset that deforms my skull, or my underlying daddy issues that are deeply rooted in my psyche ; oh, and I said I played battlefield a few times, despite having qualified friends to play with, at least 3 times. Also, prestige 10000000000000000 in MW69 reznov's bonerfest"

Just then, Blackburn's screen lit up with a picture of justin bieber's non-existing DICK and said "LOLUPLAYEDBF3! YOU GET A USELESS GUN WITH TOO MUCH RECOIL AND SPREAD!LOLOLOLOL…"

He spawned into a rather small alleyway where a NPC on the map was selling spacecrack to nuns. He checked out his rifle to see it was a M4 carbine that was rusted over with dog semen; as he fired it, it kicked more than the SAW in counter-strike.

He accidently shot the drug-dealer NPC and the nuns, only to be rewarded with yet another 'edgy' and 'fresh' as well as 'groundbreaking' jump-scare of ethics that has been scaring mothers and training terrorists for years

The gun, however, was not as bad as the dumbasses who programmed the games were. He saw that Cole had spawned and was now being beaten to death by a 3 year old with a FAMAS G3464553453454; Blackburn tapped n the fucker's shoulder and said "what rhymes with 'sloth'?"

The kid shrugged, slowly reaching for his golden knife-dildo combo, trying to get his first kill for his CODINTHEASScast; Blackburn smiled as he said the answer:

"rape."

He pulled out his sickle and drove it up the squeaker's asshole, ripping his low-res textured intestines out for all to see; as the kid instantly respawned next to him with a golden intervention, he squealed "ZOMG DADDY! HE HAS LEET HAX! FIST ME WITH A KINFE COVERED IN FERAL DOG JIZZ!"

Just as the kid began to scope in on Blackburn, Cole shot him with his M93R HB 12.7x99mm handgun, instantly banning the child from this plane of existence; he heard the child scream over the mic as the rabid furries dragged the dickbag to hell (activison's testing room just down the hall from where they kept Blackburn)

Michael held his hand out as Cole said "that…is the power of final fantasy stand XXXXXXXX twenty billion. I saved your ass, dude."

Blackburn smiled and said "you forgot…this is FFA cum game!"

He then shot Cole in the chest a few times, as his next gun up from getting the cheap kill; it was a M-60E4 with no changes from MW3; he was now going to have to get kills with this unspecial wife-beating piece of shit. It sounded like a cheese grater that was underwater in goldeneye 64. I have no idea what my analogy was supposed to mean.

The map's layout (using my legendary BF pathfinding instinct) was a smaller (duh, its cod) urban map, with a few open areas that were most likely used in "spam the grenades until you kill", and by that, I mean "domination"

He heard over voice chat, a rather angry Cole yell "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT BLACKBURN!"

As I kept moving, keeping an eye on my 6 at all times, I quickly dropped and bagged several more squeakers; they screamed and accosted me of hacking, but let's face it: COD does not require skill. As Blackburn ran around a corner, the first rule happened: if they can't see you, they are free kills.

Rule number 2 came in as Blackburn was upgraded to a MP7: SMG's are rape trains. In 1 bullet he killed 4 people with collateral head shots via ricochet. This brought him on to his last rule: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE FAGGOTS.

Cole had been very, VERY quiet for about the past 5 minutes. That alone led Michael to be paranoid, as a quiet leads to PROBLEMS (also see, BF mission log 647#, 12-5-11, on Caspian border, where cole took my tags after I made him get pissy from sneaking up on him and destroying him with my MK3A1 (which he wrote a very angry A/N in one of his stories, and almost never talked to me again) and while I was paused, he knifed me and took my MK3A1 tag with 547 kills on it. now I am at 9486, so he can forget about it being current)(yes, I keep records on my BF matches, so I can tally my average MK3A1 usage, and other guns as well)(back to the story, sorry for the niggpicking)

He gunned down yet another AFK retard, getting his last weapon: the ill-fated knife of knifingness. He took a quick glance at his leaderboard and gulped; Cole was at the knife now too, and using his turtle bitch x69's he heard a rabid sounding rape noise behind him. He hit the deck as Cole lunged over him, his character pumped up on several vials of PCP and some LSD.

Basically, Cole saw pink cotton candy whales and wanted to rip them all into potatoes, because LSD and PCP do that shit.

He yelled "BONAR IS ANGRY! AND WHEN BONAR IS ANGRY, BONAR SMASHES!"

Michael grabbed into the wall and ripped his characters face of revealing a new character model of a auburn haired steroid addict, which showed (and proved) that he was indeed, Arnold swarzanagger.

He looked at bonar and yelled "I AM DE GOVANATOR! FEAR MY ARNALD CANCER VISON! LAAGH!"

Bonar reeled in fear as Arnold fired a beam from his eye's looking much like lance Armstrong's missing testical, covering bonar in steroid abuse. Bonar quickly recovered from the attack which then disqualified him from being in a bicycle race ever again, and flung Arnold against a wall.

Blackburn, undeterred, got Arnold into SUPER Arnold mode, ripping his shirt off and raping the English language more so than normal. Just as bonar and Arnold were about to do a fight that would forever redeem call of duty—

The game over screen showed. The time limit that didn't exist went out, and declared the guy at the bottom of the playlist the winner.

Cole spoke up and said "what just happened?" still a little stunned and angry.

Blackburn grumbled "the game just 'said GG faggot'"

They sat in the lobby cussing at the top of their lungs for the next few minutes.

A/N: and this is why we can't have nice things. Also, a shout out to my new (proud to say) buddy DeltaG. Hell of a guy, a good man indeed. I agree with his thoughts on COD 100%. People need to bitch less and laugh more. All work and no play makes jack a total cuntjewslut, as they say.

Well, I thank all my new and old readers for their support, and Cole, 95 stars for MK3A1 as of the time this chapter is out. Suck it blue!

-L.M.B


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: you know you haven't been writing when you have to look up your password in your logbook. A special thanks to my now VERY good friend and partner in crime, turdy1 AKA john paul for sending me a link to a song called "call of duty circus". Also, a foreword, Cole, this chapter will piss you off as it bashes on you heavily. I did so as you have not been working on that story about you crossing game universes you know you need to work on it when I can't even remember the fucking name.

Chapter 4: MILITARY TACDICKS

Michael sighed as strange fluids leaked from his ears; he hoped to god that cole would shut up and they would have a 'normal' match of call of duty. Cole spoke up and said "man, I am so L33T MLG. I QUCK$COP3D U NUB."

Blackburn froze with fear; Cole was being slowly corrupted by the fear-inducing CODo'lowcocksuck virus; he realized it wasn't about beta-testing a game; it was a scheme to have obama brainwash the masses into giving up guns rights and having transsexuals rule the planet, slowly driving straight marriage to extinction (and the human race)(all things AMURICAN), and allowing women positions of power, or *shudder* A WOMAN PRESIDENT.

You don't get the scope; A. WOMAN. LEADING. AMERICA.

Or maybe Cole just enjoyed shitty games and he was having all of his worst nightmares mixed together; it was hard to tell.

He joined a game with Cole and was ready to go; he had his 870 with wild card and 3 long barrels attached to it. As he stepped off of his spawn, he decided to count the many different players of COD, and there playstyles. He was being recorded by activison via camera, so he decided to make a webisode out of his invasion of privacy.

He inhaled and said "GREETINGS CHILDERN! Its Buckshot smiles here today to do his first anal-ual go about with the newest call of duty: re-skin pack 75! Or whatever the number is. Today, we explore the 'wonderous*' (*gay, laggy, 10 year old, 1 gun run, spawncamping, controller breaking, quickscoping) world of COD online! Joining me is my good friend- just kidding, joining me is my bitchy, liberal writer-in-arms, cole AKA savi0r of the earth. Say 'hi' faggot."

Cole, who was stuffing his face with CODtarts (flavor: 7 years old, stale and never new) said  
"uh…hi? 1 dolla sucky-sucky? 5 all the way?"

Blackburn rolled his eyes and cringed, half out of the answer, half out of the homing tomahawk killing him and 3 other teammates by hitting them in the toe. He respawned and began his monologue, which was reminiscent of the archetypical safari guide/Australian retard jumping on stingrays:

"and…heah we have…the wild COD running knifa'..they are extremely dangerous, and they can charge through….a hail of bullets, and nevah die…they are beautiful creatures..just watch as he takes down that level 1 spraying with the barret…beautiful the way he t-bags his prey before he swings….now, LETS GO TOUCH IT!"

He grabbed Cole by the arm, and threw him on to the knifer, who promptly killed Cole, and as he was taking the body off of him Blackburn jumped down then said "GORGEAUS CREATURE!" Then shot him with the 870.

Cole screamed "WHAT THE FUCK! I AM GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS ON FACEBOOK FOR WEEKS!"

Michael laughed a little as he then team-killed the newly respawned sidekick by blowing up the AC unit lying next to his feet on the map "semen interchange 2025 redux 5 preorder gimmick map", then moved on with his strange webisode; "….OY….i..i do! I see, another denizen of the COD fauna…the cheeto eating 10 year old squeaker…these creatures are the most feared predator in the COD world…they can hear you a mile away, have abusive shit head's for parents who let them play rated-m games while they have feces-induced incestial sex under their very child's nose and never tell him he has down syndrome from inbreeding…he can quickscope you with his 10 sensitivity and cause Cole to rage, no-matter the COD he is playing! Let's give this monster space to breathe….call in the airstrike."

Blackburn pressed a button on his tac-iPod and watched as a B-17 BAWWWMER with a R.I.S put on it (to make it 'futuristic') bomb the shit out of the squeaker, who was now yelling "EEEEEEEEEEEEE…HE HAS LEET HAX! MOMMY! QUIT FUCKING COUSIN-BROTHER-SISTER-FATHER-GRANDPA-SON AND GIVE ME MY RITILAIN LACED WITH WEED! #420KONYYOLO!"

Cole, who had just now spoken up, yelled "IV'E HAD IT WITH YOU BLACKBURN! YOU FUCKING ABUSE EVERYTHING AND DO THE GAYEST SHIT POSSIBLE! WE ARE DONE! JUST BETA-READ MY CHAPTERS, THAT IS IT!**"

Michael chuckled and said "I'll touch you inappropriately if you take it back."

Cole was quiet for a minute, and then said "oh. Well you should have just said so."

Michael froze; the was affecting him, normally he would have done nothing and just let Cole cool off…then it hit him:

COD was making him liberal; this spelled his own death, he had to get out of this faculty he was being held in and destroy infinity ward. But, he would do that..Soon. first he had to finish the quasi-webisode.

Blackburn put his smile back on and said "and, then my good viewers, is the final 2 types of COD players. I shall demonstrate one of these by walking in to this "totally-not-camper-friendly-map-chokepoint"

He stepped into a doorway and was hit by 4 claymore-betties (bouncing betty mines that launch claymores instead of shrapnel) and then shot at least 4 times by guys camping in a corner going 60-negitive 0. He nodded and said "these are the campers. They are 90% of cod's community, as they can't be forced out of their spots, half because they have all entrances to their area covered and half because the average COD player will run through the same door, dying over and over thinking the next time it will be different

As he respawned, a guy with a suppressed gun shot him, and he flopped over dead .

Blackburn spit out his beer flavored water with alcohol in it (99% of all energy drinks) and said "well…that's the sneaky guy. The other 10% of COD. They never are seen, or heard. They just creep around right now, because they have…evolved invisibility…although they may have this, measly shiv it is quite…effective, when applied to the jugular.

As 2 activison guards stepped into the room, Blackburn said "well folks, its been a slice, see you later!" and backed out of the game. One guard walked up and said "the boss thinks…you have been talking to much. Were taking you for a ride. A one way ride."

Blackburn stood up, and in on quick motion, grabbed the guard's ka-bar and drove it through his gut. He then lunged forward and smashed the other guard's head in the metal door. As the guard tried to get up, Blackburn put his boot on the helpless man's throat and said in a ominous voice:

"_did I ever…tell you the definition…of spacenam?"_

He smiled as he broke the man's neck and grabbed the guard's gear. As an alarm went off, he smiled as his mind slipped back to the days of spaceman; it was time to dish out some pain….FOR SCIENCE!

A/N:

**those are the words he once told me the day I was trying to tell him COD was shit when I invited him to a MW2 private match and kept killing him with the ACR/203 G-18 combo, danger close, sleight of hand, and some other perk. He was hell-bent on never speaking to me again and I told him I was just fucking around. It's a long story, maybe he remembers

ANYWAY….hey guys, I am back….i have been doing a ton of essays for my classes hence I could never/didn't want to write. So I thought a chapter of this story was a good way to kick things off and give me more time for the final chapter of FFE3 and the soon to update chapter of my fallout story, which has not been updated in 9 months. Then I need to work on that BF story, shouldn't i?

Also, I am however, starting on a story talking about my service in spacenam (1632-2142) and my work fighting alongside tupac, JFK, and other historical figures who will later be holograms.

Keep up the good work, and we'll be home soon! – U.S announcer, BF3

-Lord M.B


	5. FINALE

A/N: here it goes. I'm back, and it is here:

Chapter 5: Blackburn strikes back

Blackburn drove his blade into yet another guard as he ran down the hallway, killing all the brainwashed guards who dared to stop him. As he headed to the exit, a tank smashed through it, barreling down the hallway. Blackburn smashed a door next to him out as he leaped in, the tank missing him by precious inches.

As he clambered to his feet, he saw that he was in what appeared to be a copy room. On a big sign it read "CODE WRITING/ IDEA ROOM" and upon closer look, he saw that it was endlessly copying call of duty games, only slightly updating textures to look 'new' on consoles, despite the game being dated and disappointing. As he began smashing the machines, a voice over the intercom said "BLACKBURN IS LOOSE! TERMINATE HIM BEFORE HE REVEALS THE MIND CONTROL BEAM TO THE WORLD!"

He pulled out a pair of sunglasses just as several employees with AK-47's stepped out of a break room. Apparently, they were the aliens from the 1970-ish movie _they live_.

That escalated quickly.

As they began to shoot at him, he grunted "I came here to eat lettuce and fuck bitches…and I'm all out of lettuce." He lit up the employees, riddling there corpses to bloody sponges as he began trying to find a way to destroy activison and there nefarious plans.

He jumped up a flight of stairs as the voice over the intercom said "you think you can stop us? I have a few of your friends who say otherwise….

Blackburn shrugged as he rounded a corner and saw a advanced hub of wires and shit, leading to a figure tied down, facing a screen with a Xbox hooked up to it. As the wires fell off, the figure turned to face Blackburn; at first, he was afraid it was a monster, or bill O'rielly, and the figure opened it's mouth and said:

"L0L I AM 2O 1337. FAGGET."

Oh… it was just Cole, who was now a mental bitch to activison….really, was this there secret weapon? He pulled out out dual miniguns and began spinning them up all the while saying "lol". Blackburn shrugged as he began sprinting to the rather complain-some figure, punching him in his dick, causing him to fall over in pain, while yelling "OW GAY! COD IS L337!"

He raised his arm and fired a burst of 7.62, shredding my left arm, then laughed and said "ha! S3rub, try and fap to tali now!"

Upon hearing him dissing on tali, I ignored the blood pouring from my arm as I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY ABOUT DAT FINE QUARIAN QUASI-LATINA BOOTY!? I'LL MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU AND TOUCH YOUR RECTUM!"

As he stood up, he began firing into my body as I charged him, shrugging off all injury; I punched him in the jaw, knocking out all of his teeth, then cracking him kneecap in an angle position that is not humanly possible. As Cole was about to smash my head in, I pulled of the mask covering his face, making him fall limp after yelling like bane for about 2 minutes.

He looked at me and said "thank you…blackburn, you freed me from cod…"

As I fell over in pain, I gasped and said "really? I freed you?"

to which he responded "what? Fuck no. I still love cod, it's just that damn mask was chaffing and activison hasn't let me piss in 3 days. I'm also pissed that you beat the fuck out of me. You know what? Just to fuck with you, I'm dying right now, cocksucker…HURRRGHH….bleh…"

cole flopped over dead, but to what would have been a surprise to him, I began t-bagging the fuck out of him, and pissing on his body as any good Samaritan would. As I finished my stream of ungodly power, a voice on the inter-com said "well….that was unexpected. Fine. Just fight me and get this crap over with before I turn your friend John Paul into a Japanese testical monster, or your brother into randy savage."

Blackburn shrugged as he went through the door into a rather cozy office room, with a man in a large leather chair. As Blackburn sat down, the figure said "you know who I am..and you can not win the impossible."

Michael scoffed and said "I beat up one of my friends, what can't stop me?"

The figure turned around and said "I CAN STOP YOU, SLAVE! MUHAHAHAH!"

Michael looked on in horror at the CEO of activison: karl-magnus troedsson…..the CEO of DICE.

Michael fell to his feet crying, then put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, his entire gaming career destroyed.

(HOWEVER…)

(now comes the cheap inception shot….)

…_Blackburn woke up in a cold sweat and looked around; he was at home, his asshole undestroyed and his kinky tali poster still on the wall….he was home, safe…it was all just a dream. He looked to his window and saw a black furry ninja and screamed as it lunged at him with sonic 06', the attack knocking him out._

…Commander Sheppard awoke covered in blood, lying just inches from the beam to the citadel, his armor in pieces. It was London, earth in the final battle against the reapers. He stood up to go into the beam when a marauder came out and said "YOU…SHALL…NOT..PASS!" shooting Sheppard in the crotch, the world going to black…..

Sheppard awoke to find that he was dreaming in a dream, and he had not been shot in the crotch, tali was just toothing it a bit why sucking him off; he tapped tali's shoulder and said "let's get you saddled up for some real fun. As tali looked at him, he froze.

_It was a vorcha in disguise._

Sheppard reached for his pistol and shot himself in the head, the world going black…

"…_.get up…."_

Allen opened up his eyes, groggy from what just happened; the voice yelled again, clearer this time:

"_get up private allen! Rangers lead the way, now MOVE!"_

private allen opened his eyes to see general shepard above him, reloading his .44 fagnum as bullets from the sand monkeys flew all around; he clambered to his feet and shook his head…that was one hell of a chain dream. He aimed his rifle and began firing, all thoughts focused on the battlefield.

"..and that's why I was kicked out of school" Blackburn said, as he reclined on his psychiatrist's lounge chair; he took a look at the shrink, who was rather quickly jotting down on his pad. The doctor looked down for a minute, then back at him and said "normally, patients suffering from talizorahitis, or talimancery I would have put in a severe regime of denial for affection to a race that does not exsist and have you put down, but I suggest you start writing fanfiction as it may lower your blood pressure and help you SAFELY let off these ideas, do you understand?"

Blackburn nodded and said "right….i'll go home and start talking shit no the internet right now! I'll even mention this very moment sometime!

The doctor smiled and motioned the guards to unrestrain him as the session for Blackburn's mental health ended.

THE END BITCHES.

COD SUCKS SHAFT.

END GAME: (what happened to the people mentioned)

BLACKBURN:

Blackburn was realeased from the ward, and later became a esteemed writer of such stories like "daddy made me stick glass in my vagina" and "kill a queer blues, starring bill rye the nazi spy" and his educational hit "condoms are for pussies…..literally." sex education vids. He lives in his bunker with his high-school sweetheart, just on the skyrim verge.

COLE:

Was actally never even seen again. Some say he retired and became a famous rapper (cole-aid, the ice cool hit) with his hit record "say nigga for 3 minutes", while others say he sells ass on the street in Washington D.C (lobbyist)

JOHN PAUL:

Was never turned into a Japanese testical monster. Thank me later man, we can most likely go to RTX to celebrate.

SHEPARD AND LIARA: (parents heard in earlier chapter)

Liara was beaten and horribly raped by the abusive ex-commander as a response to the ending of mass effect 3. Garrus vakarian is said to be hunting shepard down, as he now has a price on his head, Both of them *giggity*.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this story. I had fun with it, and I hope you laughed your ass off reading my work, truthfully, I love making people smile. It feels good, and so long as 1 man smiles, my job is done. You've been good to me, all of you. I want to thank oyu for your support, and enjoy my other stories as I finish/make them.

-Lord Michael Blackburn


End file.
